Most of the Time I'm Okay...Except for When I'm Not Okay

(This blogpost was written the end of  September 2014)

Mostly, I’m okay…except for when I’m not ok.

I needed a fax machine.  My personal office isn’t set up with one, so I figured I’d go into my best friend’s office and use hers.

The mere thought of it brought me to tears this morning.

Not so torn up over fax machines, but the thought of the office itself.

My brother had spent a couple of months getting that office ready for MarLo.  He tore off old wallpaper, made any necessary patches, painted nearly every inch himself.   I can’t walk into that place without thinking of Brian.  He passed away four weeks ago.

I’m okay most of the time, except for when I’m not ok.

The “not okay” times can come at any moment, and are emotionally painful. As if the grief literally takes my breath away.  And yet in those deep, emotionally painful moments, the one thing I gain is the knowledge of

The brevity of life.

The  mere knowledge of the fact that breath can be here one moment and gone the next makes me want to

Love better

Speak kinder

Enjoy each moment

forgive

and, Treat you like the GIFT that you are

My fear is that when the grief passes, the reality of brevity will pass too.  That all too soon I’ll go back to taking everyone and everything for granted. 

We don’t mean to, but most of us do it.

It seems that the one beautiful thing that can come from my own personal grief is the transformation of my own heart, to forever be respectful of the brevity of it all.

Not so I might fear more, but that I might love better.

Most the time I’m okay, except for when I’m not ok…which is ok.