(This blogpost was written the end of September 2014)
Mostly, I’m okay…except for when I’m not ok.
I needed a fax machine.
My personal office isn’t set up with one, so I figured I’d go into my
best friend’s office and use hers.
The mere thought of it brought me to tears this morning.
Not so torn up over fax machines, but the thought of the
office itself.
My brother had spent a couple of months getting that office
ready for MarLo. He tore off old
wallpaper, made any necessary patches, painted nearly every inch himself. I can’t walk into that place without thinking
of Brian. He passed away four weeks ago.
I’m okay most of the time, except for when I’m not ok.
The “not okay” times can come at any moment, and are
emotionally painful. As if the grief
literally takes my breath away. And yet
in those deep, emotionally painful moments, the one thing I gain is the
knowledge of
The brevity of life.
The mere knowledge of
the fact that breath can be here one moment and gone the next makes me want to
Love better
Speak kinder
Enjoy each moment
forgive
and, Treat you like the GIFT that you are
My fear is that when the grief passes, the reality of
brevity will pass too. That all too soon
I’ll go back to taking everyone and everything for granted.
We don’t mean to, but most of us do it.
It seems that the one beautiful thing that can come from my
own personal grief is the transformation of my own heart, to forever be respectful
of the brevity of it all.
Not so I might fear
more, but that I might love better.
Most the time I’m okay, except for when I’m not ok…which is
ok.
Just because I believe in Jesus now doesn't NECESSARILY mean that I will always believe in Jesus.
"Well, Melissa, what on earth are you saying?" You might ask.
Listen up cuz here's what I'm saying:
If I was really put through hard testing,
If I believe I had done my best and God had failed me or God didn't show up,
If He withdrew His presence from me and I couldn't seem to find Him anywhere,
If he severely hurt my feelings,
I might begin to question my beliefs. It's possible that under the perfect storm of circumstances, I might. stop. believing.
Because I understand that possible weakness, it causes me to stop now, while I do believe, and ask myself this question:
Am I resolute?
Am I resolute in my beliefs of Jesus?
The Word says that Jesus set out for Jerusalem resolutely
"As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem" Luke 9:51
what does that mean?
to be resolute means this:
admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.
Listen, I've been through a lot with Jesus. I accepted him at age 13, and I have never wavered in believing, nor do I plan to stop believing. At the same time, I think it's a good question to ask myself. Am. I. Resolute?
At the core of my beliefs, what do I believe? What will keep me hanging on? Though I have felt His love in crazy, amazing ways, really the bottom line for me is this:
It's easier to believe. If I'm right it's eternity in Heaven.
If I stop believing and I'm wrong, it's eternity in Hell.
I'd rather die believing than die wrong.
1 Peter 1:4-10 NLT and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see. So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. This salvation was something even the prophets wanted to know more about when they prophesied about this gracious salvation prepared for you.
1 Corinthians 16:13,14
Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping
For those of you who read my previous post, "Going to Court for a Crime I Didn't Commit", you'll already have the background to this story. If you've not read it, you can get filled in by clicking here.
Thank you. Thank you for praying.
Though it caused me some frustration and irritation and time, this is actually one of my favorite God stories ever.
You see, from my viewpoint, all I could see was a couple of young adults who were/are trying hard, and a series of unfortunate events that kept happening.
When Allison got the speeding ticket on the way home from the hospital, that was like the icing on the cake. The good news is it finally caused me to stop, and pray fervently for our kids. I asked for God to intervene, to give them a break.
That's when Allison called me and said that the officer had mistakenly put my name on the ticket instead of hers. I was not even with them, but they were driving our van, so we assume that he took my name from the registration.
I then had to go to court. I had never been to court. To be honest, I thought, "no big deal"...
Until I got there.
"Please rise for the Honorable Judge so and so, court is now in session"
Yikes. The formality totally intimidated me.
The judge then took her seat of judgement, and called the first person's name.
He approached in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. Oddly enough, I had the feeling of, "this is who I'm aligned with today" Such a weird feeling to be accused of a "crime" and having to face a judge.
About thirty minutes later, the judge called my name. I too had to walk in front of the whole courtroom and stand before the judge and plead guilty or not guilty. Confirm or deny.
There was a part of me that just wanted to scream GUILTY! I'M GUILTY!! I may not have "earned" that speeding ticket, but yes, I've been guilty of speeding! Just let me pay the bill!!
But in all honesty, I couldn't plead guilty to that ticket, because I wasn't guilty of that specific offense.
"Deny", I said.
After a few words of explanation as to what had happened, I really thought they'd just drop the charges, but instead they told me that I had to come back for a pre-trial. They were going to summon (I don't even know proper court lingo) the officer to be there, and he would have to identify whether or not I was the one driving the van. Seriously? Do they remember the face of everyone they pull over? What if he says that it was me driving the van...then what?? Gulp. The pretrial was scheduled for May 16.
Thankfully, yesterday, I received a letter stating that the ticket had been dismissed.
Praise God.
As I told my friends about this story, many of them became IRATE over it. They were beside themselves with all the hoops I was having to jump through because of this one officer's error. And, to be honest, it felt good to have my friends support me so passionately.
But here's how I see it:
It was not the officer's error that put my name on that ticket, It was God's mercy.
I believe that with everything that's in me.
Maybe it was because I prayed for a break for them...that things would turn around.
Or maybe when God saw the ticket happening, knowing everything that Will and Allison had just been through it made Him sad too.
Though you may deserve it, I'm not charging you for it.
That, my friends, is mercy. Though we deserve to be punished, He drops the charges.
I feel a little bit like Jesus today. I know that really, there’s no comparison. My sinfulness. His sinlessness. But, I’m going to court today for a crime I
didn’t commit.
Have you ever known someone who’s seemingly had a series of
unfortunate events?
That’s my son and daughter-n-law right now. It seems like they can’t catch a break. The most recent happening was a couple of
weeks ago, my son was chopping wood and put an axe through his foot. Ouch.
Emergency room.
Surgery. Overnight stay in the hospital.
His six month pregnant wife beside him.
Her concern for him. Physically
and emotionally exhausted from the whole ordeal and the lack of sleep you get
when you stay overnight in the hospital with someone.
After waiting for his discharge from the hospital, and then
waiting some more for his prescriptions to be filled…she then got a speeding
ticket on the way home.
Really Lord? Though
other cars were speeding by her, she gets the ticket? Where’s the mercy?
After that, I began PRAYING that they would catch a
break. That the series of unfortunate
events that they’ve had going on in their lives would turn around and that
things would begin to go their way.
So, yesterday, my daughter-n-law called me and told me that
she had just realized that the speeding ticket that was given to her was
written in MY name. Yes, you read that
correctly. My name is on the speeding
ticket.
I was a little upset by this, not at my daughter-n-law, but
just by the fact that it happened….
Until…
I went to city hall to check on it. They told me that I needed to come to court
the next morning and talk to the prosecuter, and they hoped that because the
officer mistakenly wrote the ticket up incorrectly that they would just drop
the charges.
So, today, I’m going to court for a crime I didn’t commit,
in hopes that the charges will be dropped completely.
Reminds me of what Jesus did for each of us. Mercy.
Would you pray for that with me? Hoping that this could be the turn
around. The end of their series of
unfortunate events, and the beginning of a new season of blessing for Will and Allison.
I can never get through the Bible in a year, or typically stick with any other reading plan, primarily because the Word speaks to me in a way that causes me to want to ponder it. Soak on it. Read other translations of the same scripture.
For instance in Psalm 57. I LOVE the way verse 7 reads in the New Living Translation,
"My heart is confident in You oh God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing Your praises!!"
Well hallelujah, right?
When we are CONFIDENT in our God, we sing His praises.
However, we're not always confident. We don't always trust. We're not sure what the outcome is gonna be and we can't quite let go and turn it over and trust Him with it. It's a bit harder to sing His praises when we're in those unsure places.
Which is why I love Psalm 57:10 in The Message,
"EVERY CLOUD IS A FLAG TO YOUR FAITHFULNESS"
Sigh.
I like that because when I see the clouds, they become a tangible reminder to me, THAT HE IS FAITHFUL!!!
Sometimes we need that reminder.
Hold on Dear One. The God who made you is faithful. Keep calling on Him. Keep Trusting in Him.
My Heart is confident in You, oh God. My. Heart. Is. Confident.
I'm not a job hopper. I'm not a church hopper. In fact, I'm so insanely stable that my life could easily be deemed as boring.
Married to the same man for years (thankfully) lived in the same town my whole life worked at the same job for 20 years went to the same church for 20 years
see a pattern here?
I think that's why change has "shaken" me. Well, shaken is a strong word. I'm good most days. But I must say that I find it interesting that the same weekend, last May, God had me resign my job of 20 years at WTHI, and had me resign my worship leading position at First Christian Church in Marshall and moved me to a new job and new church.
We say that our identity is wrapped up in Christ, and in truth, it is. But quite frankly, let's face it, much of our identity is wrapped up in what we do.
And for me, that all shifted in one weekend.
I realize that my small life change holds no comparison to someone who relocates and starts over, or someone who loses a loved one and is trying to find a new normal. I get that. But I suppose because my life had become SO routine, for SO long... nine months into the change, I find myself, every once in a while, still asking this question:
Who am I, and where am I?
That happened last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and had that thought. Then I had a very quick conversation with God. That went something like this,
"why did you change everything the same weekend? I feel like it messed up my identity..."
I pondered that thought and how my life looked different. Excited about the new church and new job, but also recognizing that it did cause me to struggle a bit with my "perceived identity." My brain soaked on all of that for a while until I fell back to sleep.
When morning came, I rolled out of bed, got my coffee, and did what I always do...sat down to have some quiet time with Jesus.
My brain was no longer pondering my mid-night emotions, but evidently Jesus wanted to answer my thoughts anyway, for when I picked up my morning devotion from Jesus Calling, this is what I read:
"I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone.It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don’t try to force-fit today into yesterday’s mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life."
That, my friends, is exactly why I set time aside to be with Jesus.
To give Him a chance to speak into my life. To answer my questions. To ask Him questions. To just be with Him.
Conversation. Relationship. Closeness. Guidance. Comfort. Security. It's all there...and so much more.
If you don't set time aside right now, I so encourage you to do so. Make time for the one who created you.
There's a book called The Truest Thing About You by David Lomas...if you are struggling with your identity, this could be a good read for you (and me). Here's a trailer about it
At Maryland Community Church our current series is "Dwell". Abiding in His presence. But how do we "dwell" with God, when we have jobs to do? How do I listen to him, and listen to my earthly boss at work? How do I listen to him and do the dishes? It's easy to listen to Him when I'm in my quiet time and can give Him my full attention, but what about the rest of the day?
I read the following this morning in A.W. Tozer's book, "The Pursuit of God". I love that the subject of it, went right along with the subject of our sermon series. I thought I'd share what Mr. Tozer has to say about "dwelling" with God....
"Lift your heart and let it rest upon Jesus and you are instantly in a sanctuary though it be a Pullman berth or a factory or a kitchen. You can see God from anywhere if your mind is set to love and obey Him. Now, someone may ask, "Is not this of which you speak for special persons such as monks or ministers who have by the nature of their calling more time to devote to quiet meditation? I am a busy worker and have little time to spend alone." I am happy to say that the life I describe is for everyone of God's children regardless of calling. It is, in fact, happily practiced every day by many hard working persons and is beyond the reach of none. Many have found the secret of which I speak and, without giving much thought to what is going on within them, constantly practice this habit of inwardly gazing upon God. They know that something inside their hearts sees God. Even when they are compelled to withdraw their conscious attention in order to engage in earthly affairs there is within them a secret communion always going on. Let their attention but be released for a moment from necessary business and it flies at once to God again. This has been the testimony of many Christians, so many that even as I state it thus I have a feeling that I am quoting, though from whom or from how many I cannot possibly know. I do not want to leave the impression that the ordinary means of grace have no value. They most assuredly have. Private prayer should be practiced by every Christian. Long periods of Bible meditation will purify our gaze and direct it; church attendance will enlarge our outlook and increase our love for others. Service and work and activity; all are good and should be engaged in by every Christian. But at the bottom of all these things, giving meaning to them, will be the inward habit of beholding God. A new set of eyes (so to speak) will develop within us enabling us to be looking at God while our outward eyes are seeing the scenes of this passing world."
This week, together, let's practice His presence.
It's not that we can't have things....but are we willing to give them up to follow Christ?
It's not that we can't love our family....we should love our family...but do we love Jesus more than anyone else?
Who, or what, sits on the throne of your heart, and mine?
Will we put Him first above all things and people?
Mark 10:17-31 MSG As he went out into the street, a man came running up, greeted him with great reverence, and asked, “Good Teacher, what must I do to get eternal life?” Jesus said, “Why are you calling me good? No one is good, only God. You know the commandments: Don’t murder, don’t commit adultery, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, honor your father and mother.” He said, “Teacher, I have—from my youth—kept them all!” Jesus looked him hard in the eye—and loved him! He said, “There’s one thing left: Go sell whatever you own and give it to the poor. All your wealth will then be heavenly wealth. And come follow me.”
My thought: was the rich young man trying to get to heaven by following a list of rules, when what Jesus wanted was for him to know and follow HIM? Did the rich young man really care more about his material possessions, than God? Do I? The man’s face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go.
My thought: what might I be holding onto that I don't want to surrender??
Looking at his disciples, Jesus said, “Do you have any idea how difficult it is for people who ‘have it all’ to enter God’s kingdom?” The disciples couldn’t believe what they were hearing, but Jesus kept on: “You can’t imagine how difficult. I’d say it’s easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye than for the rich to get into God’s kingdom.” That set the disciples back on their heels. “Then who has any chance at all?” they asked. Jesus was blunt: “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it.”
My thought: Do we have it so easy...are we so comfortable that we don't need Jesus? Our money buys us everything we need? Keeps us from recognizing and realizing that we need Him to provide for us? We can't buy heaven. We can't purchase a ticket to get in. But thankfully, Jesus purchased it for us when He died on the cross. He offers it as a gift to us, but we have to accept it. We can accept it by believing that He is the son of God. That He died on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. By accepting Him as Lord of our life. Peter tried another angle: “We left everything and followed you.” Jesus said, “Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They’ll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first.”
My thought: great reversal. Surrender all to gain more. Die to self to fully live.
Perhaps this post is just for me. Just to document the journey. Just to capture and remember the ebb and flow of my life...my relationship with Jesus. I could type this in my journal, but for whatever reason, I feel that He wants me to type it here. So, here I am.
I don't know why we go through some of the things we do in life. Whether it's simply His sovereignty that determines that? or the enemy? or perhaps our disobedience? Or, did I miss a direction that He was giving me? Like, was I supposed to take a left turn in Albuquerque, and I didn't, so I ended up on some sort of wrong path?
All I know is, the last few years have been different....not in a good way.
The demands of my job, as well as the duties of my job, were sucking the life out of me. I couldn't get a grip. I couldn't rise above it. No matter how determined I was to set my will to have a great attitude, and to set my eyes on Christ, I couldn't seem to keep my attitude great or to keep my eyes on Christ...though I tried with all my might...and then tried some more.
It was life interuppted. Seemingly chaos. My normal day in day out positive attitude that I had always had, seemed to be bulldozed into oblivion.
I had walked for YEARS experiencing Jesus throughout my day, but now because my days were cluttered with chaos, it was as if I couldn't find Him through the maze of the mess. The One I have built my life on, the One who loves me more than anyone, I couldn't seem to locate. At least not on any consistent basis...
"So where has this love of yours gone, fair one. Where on earth can He be? Can we help you look for Him?" Song of Solomon 6:1
And oddly enough, at the time when my daily life seemed the most cluttered and messed up, He was "using" me in ministry, and growing my ministry more than ever.
Leading worship at church week in week out. Leading worship at women's conferences around the country. Having the privilege to minister with many Women of Faith and Proverbs 31 Speakers. I'm not trying to be boastful, that's simply where He had me.
I loved serving Him in this manner. The women's conferences, in particular were places where I would feel His presence. Feel energized. Refreshed. Even though I was serving and there to refresh others, I found this to be true...
"He who refreshes others will Himself be refreshed..." Proverbs 11:25
But then I'd come back home to the daily grind. Chaos. Clutter.
In the daily space, I literally had come to a point where I felt like I had lost myself. I was no longer the person I used to be. I was at my wits end, primarily because my daily job no longer suited me. But the effects of the daily grind overflowed into every area of my life. My family. My ministry (primarily weekly worship leading at FCC). And my relationship with Christ.
In one fell swoop, God seemingly changed courses for me. He began to speak to me about my job, and our church. In one weekend, the same weekend, He had me resign from my jobs. Both my daily job where I made money, and my worship leading "job".
He moved me to a new job, and a new church.
He gave me respite. He cleared the clutter from my brain. He allowed me to settle in with Him, and settle, I've done. Rekindling the flame for my passion for Christ and all that He has purposed for me.
I feel like I am falling in love again.
"I'm my beloved's and He is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3
All this to say, if you're overwhelmed with the craziness and chaos of life and can't seem to rise above it, I "get" it. I've been there too, and it's no fun.
My suggestions would be, CARVE out time for Christ. Whether you feel Him speaking to you or not, stay faithful to meeting with Him. (sometimes the clutter blocks the way of us being still and able to hear His voice). Trust that He has purpose in your chaos. Pray to see if there is anything you should change, or that He can change for you. Breathe deep. Lean on Him with your whole being.
While in the mess, I felt God stirring me to both write and record songs. Songs that ministered to me in the mess. Which is the whole reason I made my CD "Breath of Life". Simple songs of worship from the mess of life.
Whatever the reason for my own particular chaos....I'm glad I'm on the other side, and I find myself more "guarded" than ever. A healthy "guarded", saying yes to only the things that I feel Him telling me to say "yes" to, and dismissing all else to someone else's area to serve.
I said yes to writing this blog post, and yes to posting this song. For Him, and for You. I pray that if you're overwhelmed by life, that God will meet you in the mess as you listen...
