Most of the Time I'm Okay...Except for When I'm Not Okay

(This blogpost was written the end of  September 2014)

Mostly, I’m okay…except for when I’m not ok.

I needed a fax machine.  My personal office isn’t set up with one, so I figured I’d go into my best friend’s office and use hers.

The mere thought of it brought me to tears this morning.

Not so torn up over fax machines, but the thought of the office itself.

My brother had spent a couple of months getting that office ready for MarLo.  He tore off old wallpaper, made any necessary patches, painted nearly every inch himself.   I can’t walk into that place without thinking of Brian.  He passed away four weeks ago.

I’m okay most of the time, except for when I’m not ok.

The “not okay” times can come at any moment, and are emotionally painful. As if the grief literally takes my breath away.  And yet in those deep, emotionally painful moments, the one thing I gain is the knowledge of

The brevity of life.

The  mere knowledge of the fact that breath can be here one moment and gone the next makes me want to

Love better

Speak kinder

Enjoy each moment

forgive

and, Treat you like the GIFT that you are

My fear is that when the grief passes, the reality of brevity will pass too.  That all too soon I’ll go back to taking everyone and everything for granted. 

We don’t mean to, but most of us do it.

It seems that the one beautiful thing that can come from my own personal grief is the transformation of my own heart, to forever be respectful of the brevity of it all.

Not so I might fear more, but that I might love better.

Most the time I’m okay, except for when I’m not ok…which is ok.  

Am I Resolute?

Just because I  believe in Jesus now doesn't NECESSARILY mean that I will always believe in Jesus.

"Well, Melissa, what on earth are you saying?" You might ask.

Listen up cuz here's what I'm saying:

If I was really put through hard testing,
If I believe I had done my best and God had failed me or God didn't show up,
If He withdrew His presence from me and I couldn't seem to find Him anywhere,
If he severely hurt my feelings,

I might begin to question my beliefs.  It's possible that under the perfect storm of circumstances, I might. stop. believing.

Because I understand that possible weakness, it causes me to stop now, while I do believe, and ask myself this question:

Am I resolute?

Am I resolute in my beliefs of Jesus?

The Word says that Jesus set out for Jerusalem resolutely

"As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem" Luke 9:51

what does that mean?

to be resolute means this:

admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.

Listen, I've been through a lot with Jesus.  I accepted him at age 13, and I have never wavered in believing, nor do I plan to stop believing.  At the same time, I think it's a good question to ask myself. Am. I. Resolute?

At the core of my beliefs, what do I believe?  What will keep me hanging on?  Though I have felt His love in crazy, amazing ways, really the bottom line for me is this:

It's easier to believe.  If I'm right it's eternity in Heaven.

If I stop believing and I'm wrong, it's eternity in Hell.

I'd rather die believing than die wrong.

1 Peter 1:4-10 NLT
and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see. So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls. This salvation was something even the prophets wanted to know more about when they prophesied about this gracious salvation prepared for you.

1 Corinthians 16:13,14

Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping

Be Resolute.

The Verdict

For those of you who read my previous post, "Going to Court for a Crime I Didn't Commit", you'll already have the background to this story.  If you've not read it, you can get filled in by clicking here.

Thank you.  Thank you for praying.

Though it caused me some frustration and irritation and time, this is actually one of my favorite God stories ever.

You see, from my viewpoint, all I could see was a couple of young adults who were/are trying hard, and a series of unfortunate events that kept happening.

When Allison got the speeding ticket on the way home from the hospital, that was like the icing on the cake.  The good news is it finally caused me to stop, and pray fervently for our kids.  I asked for God to intervene, to give them a break.

That's when Allison called me and said that the officer had mistakenly put my name on the ticket instead of hers.  I was not even with them, but they were driving our van, so we assume that he took my name from the registration.

I then had to go to court.  I had never been to court.  To be honest, I thought, "no big deal"...

Until I got there.

"Please rise for the Honorable Judge so and so, court is now in session"

Yikes.  The formality totally intimidated me.

The judge then took  her seat of judgement, and called the first person's name.

He approached in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs.  Oddly enough, I had the feeling of, "this is who I'm aligned with today"  Such a weird feeling to be accused of  a "crime" and having to face a judge.

About thirty minutes later, the judge called my name.  I too had to walk in front of the whole courtroom and stand before the judge and plead guilty or not guilty.  Confirm or deny.

There was a part of me that just wanted to scream GUILTY!  I'M GUILTY!!  I may not have "earned" that speeding ticket, but yes, I've been guilty of speeding!  Just let me pay the bill!!

But in all honesty, I couldn't plead guilty to that ticket, because I wasn't guilty of that specific offense.

"Deny", I said.

After a few words of explanation as to what had happened, I really thought they'd just drop the charges, but instead they told me that I had to come back for a pre-trial.  They were going to summon (I don't even know proper court lingo) the officer to be there, and he would have to identify whether or not I was the one driving the van. Seriously?  Do they remember the face of everyone they pull over?  What if he says that it was me driving the van...then what??  Gulp.   The pretrial was scheduled for May 16.

Thankfully, yesterday,  I received a letter stating that the ticket had been dismissed.

Praise God.

As I told my friends about this story, many of them became IRATE over it.  They were beside themselves with all the hoops I was having to jump through because of this one officer's error.  And, to be honest, it felt good to have my friends support me so passionately.

But here's how I see it:

It was not the officer's error that put my name on that ticket, It was God's mercy.

I believe that with everything that's in me.

Maybe it was because I prayed for a break for them...that things would turn around.

Or maybe when God saw the ticket happening, knowing everything that Will and Allison had just been through it made Him sad too.

Though you may deserve it, I'm not charging you for it.

That, my friends, is mercy.  Though we deserve to be punished, He drops the charges.

Psalm 103

10he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

11For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

12as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Thanks, God.  Who knew a simple speeding ticket would give me such a real life reminder of how merciful You are.

I'm Going to Court for a "Crime" I Didn't Commit

I feel a little bit like Jesus today.  I know that really, there’s no comparison.  My sinfulness.  His sinlessness.  But, I’m going to court today for a crime I didn’t commit.

Have you ever known someone who’s seemingly had a series of unfortunate events?

That’s my son and daughter-n-law right now.  It seems like they can’t catch a break.  The most recent happening was a couple of weeks ago, my son was chopping wood and put an axe through his foot.  Ouch.

Emergency room.  Surgery. Overnight stay in the hospital.  His six month pregnant wife beside him.   Her concern for him.  Physically and emotionally exhausted from the whole ordeal and the lack of sleep you get when you stay overnight in the hospital with someone.

After waiting for his discharge from the hospital, and then waiting some more for his prescriptions to be filled…she then got a speeding ticket on the way home.

Really Lord?  Though other cars were speeding by her, she gets the ticket?  Where’s the mercy?

After that, I began PRAYING that they would catch a break.  That the series of unfortunate events that they’ve had going on in their lives would turn around and that things would begin to go their way.

So, yesterday, my daughter-n-law called me and told me that she had just realized that the speeding ticket that was given to her was written in MY name.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My name is on the speeding ticket.

I was a little upset by this, not at my daughter-n-law, but just by the fact that it happened….

Until…

I went to city hall to check on it.  They told me that I needed to come to court the next morning and talk to the prosecuter, and they hoped that because the officer mistakenly wrote the ticket up incorrectly that they would just drop the charges.

So, today, I’m going to court for a crime I didn’t commit, in hopes that the charges will be dropped completely. 

Reminds me of what Jesus did for each of us.  Mercy.

Would you pray for that with me?  Hoping that this could be the turn around.  The end of their series of unfortunate events, and the beginning of a new season of blessing for Will and Allison.

Visible Reminders of His Faithfulness

I can never get through the Bible in a year, or typically stick with any other reading plan, primarily because the Word speaks to me in a way that causes me to want to ponder it.  Soak on it. Read other translations of the same scripture.

For instance in Psalm 57.  I LOVE the way verse 7 reads in the New Living Translation,

"My heart is confident in You oh God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing Your praises!!"

Well hallelujah, right?

When we are CONFIDENT in our God, we sing His praises.

However, we're not always confident.  We don't always trust.  We're not sure what the outcome is gonna be and we can't quite let go and turn it over and trust Him with it.  It's a bit harder to sing His praises when we're in those unsure places.

Which is why I love Psalm 57:10 in The Message,

"EVERY CLOUD IS A FLAG TO YOUR FAITHFULNESS"

Sigh.

I like that because when I see the clouds, they become a tangible reminder to me, THAT HE IS FAITHFUL!!!

Sometimes we need that reminder.

Hold on Dear One.  The God who made you is faithful.  Keep calling on Him. Keep Trusting in Him.

My Heart is confident in You, oh God.  My. Heart. Is. Confident.